He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
