just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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