Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
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The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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