good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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