How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
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Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
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I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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