I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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