How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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