Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
