I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
