I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
