I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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