someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
