I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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