Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
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So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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