why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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