so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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