did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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