I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
