Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
