I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
