What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
