You work out of a Hotel?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize