I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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