Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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