i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
