we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
