well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
