he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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