At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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