I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
