Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
