I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
