she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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