I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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