i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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