I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
