My underwear smells like fireworks.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
