so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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