Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
