Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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