In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
