Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
