dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
