I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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