The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
