Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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