I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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