Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
