What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
