oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
