I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
