there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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