Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
