Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
