I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
