i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
