God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
