cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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