I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I want to fling myself into the sun
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
