party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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