i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
