When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
